Chapter 5 – The After-math After-eight After-mint mmmmmm

The tension was so thick you could have cut it with one of my uncle’s cheesewire pubes. I lay there on the angelic carpet as the twat parade + Malfoy stared down at me. My helpless, beautiful, homosexual self. I was on the summit of a terrifying revelation, high out of my mind and spread-eagled on my back. Why couldn’t Draco just take advantage of me? I realised my mouth was hanging open so I donned my most alluring pout. SO ready for rape now, I thought.

“Potter is BAKED” said Malfoy. Was there the tremor of sexual tension in his voice? I glanced over from my advantageous position to Malfoy’s crotch – surely.. no, just the trouser-erection made from the zipper of his rolled-up chinos (what a dreamboat).

“Yeah,” scoffed Herminger. “Harry makes eyes at me all the time, no way is he GAY.”

I raised my head a little to call her a fat disgusting rodent-toothed failed abortion when Blaize who I had pretty much forgotten about piped up shyly.

“Actually guys, we shouldn’t just dismiss Harry, I myself have had thoughts once in a while questioning my sexuality… Sexuality isn’t black and whi-“

“Shut up you anorexic prick,” I said, annoyed that he had interrupted my scorching burn to Hermioshit. Blaize’s eyes welled up.

“Harry, being a ginormous twat isn’t going to impress me!” the cow shouted, getting to her feet. I too stood up, enraged at her existence and the primitive muggle contraception her no doubt hideous parents had trusted. It would be best for everyone, I reasoned, if I beat the shit out of her and possibly also kill her.

But suddenly the room was spinning and I felt like my head WASN’T MY HEAD. I tried to disregard  this and stepped forward to slap Hermiocunt like the true queen that I was. However, I lost my balance, fell forward, groped her tit a bit, found the floor and blacked out.

I woke up sprawled on my four poster bed, my head pounding sorely with the shameful memories of what had just occured. My confession, the disbelief of the others, the accidental grope..(alright so hadn’t actually been accidental but I had closed my eyes very tight and pretended I was handling one of snape’s lavish chicken drumstick thighs, not one of hermionerd’s misshapen gingerbread buns.) Ohhh the shame! and what about Draco?! my dear sweet Draco..had he believed the lies of that vicious gingersnap as she blocked my exit from the hetero closet with those buckteeth boulders of hers??!

My vision blurry, I blinked a few times and a made out a vague orange shape infront of me. My hopes that I was about to be eaten by a giant ginger flobberworm were soon dashed as the orange shape soon emerged to be the bushy mop of Hermione. Ugh. Here we go again, I thought, frantically wishing that I had paid attention in Professor Flitwick’s last lesson on silencing charms.

“Harry..” said Hermioderp in a simper so grating that she could have produced a mountain of the finest grated red leicester,
“You don’t have to worry about what happened..I know what’s been up with you lately.”

She beamed at me like a red squirrel on crack (thank god those little fuckers were dying out) as I struggled to find something cruel to say to her, but I was so wrought with disgust
that I produced nothing but a dry grunt of fury, one similar to that of Uncle vernon’s when I accidentally bit down in the heat of the moment…………oh how I longed for my cupboard.

“Harry are you even listening?” piped the squirrel “After some consideration I’ve decided that my answer is yes”
Answer? answer to what? Unless the question was “will you finally fuck off and die?” I had no reason to welcome her grinning at me and saying “yes”
There was a moment of silence with her staring at me expectantly before she started up again
“Yes Harry yes! I will be your girlfriend!”

What. The. Fuck. Why on earth would Hermionit ever think that I had asked her out? I stared at her in horror, prompting the cow to start speaking again.

“I know you don’t have a way of words Harry, but that grope was really…well, I know what you meant by it. I know that copping a feel was your way of saying “Harry Potter has feelings for Hermione Granger”, so being the smart and assertive bright young thing that I am, I’m letting you know that I’m totally cool with us dating”

As she said these words I became so rapt with horror that I struggled to calm myself with happier thoughts. Slowly I drifted into a daydream that involved me, Snape, Draco and some sensual improv with one of Snape’s jars of fresh sea cucumbers. Soon I had completely forgotten about the whole Hermionark disaster and a dreamy smile had spread across my face…

“Great!” Herminger shouted “I see that you’re really happy about this and so am I! Let’s go on a date shall we? I’ll meet you in the great hall at breakfast to arrange everything. Oh gosh Lavender is going to be soooo jealous of us! I’m going to go and change my facebook status right away!!” And with that, she turned and scampered off, no doubt in search of some shiny object or piece of orange peel to gnaw on.

Then it dawned on me wh at had just happened. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh Merlin’s varicose veins no! Oh my god, what should I do?!! That Hermiobitch would tell everyone we were dating! and Draco would see her facebook relationship status change! As I started weeping desperately into my pillow it occured to me that my tendency to start having kinky homo daydreams at any time or place was becoming rather destructive.